Entry #14

This series was originally published on my socials in 2021. My beliefs and opinions have changed in some ways since then, but these words are still meaningful and relevant to who I am and what I believe today.

I am searching for a way to move forward in this space in a way that feels honest but also safe.

The purpose behind journaling through this publicly is to make sure those feeling the same feelings and asking the same questions know, without a doubt, they aren't crazy and their questions are valid.

However, this is heavy stuff. This is heart-tearing-wide-open stuff. And when you tear your heart wide open, it's typically good practice to be careful with it. Don't just hand it over to anybody.

There are parts of this deconstruction, at least right now, that don't feel safe to hash out publicly. For a few reasons...

- the internet can be a cruel, cruel world and cruelty ain't welcome here

- I haven't arrived to firm conclusions on lots of these questions and I want to do that with a million opinions in my ear from people I really don't know that well

- I'm a weenie. The sheer idea of people bashing me online makes me want to crawl under my bed. ESPECIALLY Christians (talk about a way to make a girl question even more). Can't do it. Won't do it. If you want to know a surefire way to push me over the edge, it's that. I'm not a delicate flower but I am human. Words matter ... even the typed-out variety.

As I delve into the more "black and white," more incendiary topics, I don't want this page to be a debate forum. As a 9, that's probably my own personal hell. So unless the Holy Spirit is like... girl, put that crap online, some specific understandings and questions will be saved for small groups of trusted friends and family.

I want to be completely transparent and honest, but I also want to protect myself, and all of you I've grown to adore, from trolls and terrible doctrine and added anger/resentment and doubt-piled-on-top-of-doubt.

Now for why I'm really here. Today's most important question: what color should I paint my front door?