Entry 3

This series was originally published on my socials in 2021. My thoughts and opinions have probably changed in some ways since then, but they’re still meaningful and relevant to who I am and what I believe today.

I love church. Love it. Love the people, love the worship, love the community.

I believe in its importance to us individually and its position as the Bride of Christ (sorry for the Christianese).

I don't, for one moment, hope to “bring down the establishment.” I ain’t all that. No man or woman could bring down what God in his sovereignty has established.

Throughout this process, my hope WILL NEVER BE to turn people away from the church.

My hope is that those who have been personally hurt by the church, those who have always felt like outsiders, or those who get a bad taste in their mouth when they hear the word “Christian” can feel a sense of solidarity with someone "on the inside."

I hope they see Christians grieving for them and their experiences and actively questioning and reevaluating doctrine and systems that may or may not be harmful and may or may not be Christlike.

In what I’ve seen privately, those who have walked away from the church are hopeful. They see that maybe things can shift from a place of legalism and judgment. This hasn't negatively impacted their view of the Church, but rather helped it.

I want everyone, EVERYONE, to experience a loving, healthy church community because I know it is a gift from God.

My friends and family can attest, I have a hard time having conversations about the way we’ve treated people without having a total break down. I cried throughout the entire church service two weeks ago.

Does this mean I’m a bit emotionally unstable? YES. Does this make you question whether I’m a reliable source for anyyyyy of this? It should. Am I crying as I write this? You betcha. It’s truly not normal the level of sadness I have.

This isn’t about an intellectual, academic pursuit of knowledge. It’s a desperate grasping for the Jesus I read about—a need for healing, not only for myself but for others.

In the deepest depths of my guts, I HURT.

The motivation in all of this is grief. For the world Christ died for.

And it’s from that very simple place of grief that I step into this, tearful and a little nuts ... but hopeful.