Entry #23

This series was originally published on my socials in 2021-2022. My beliefs and opinions have changed in some ways since then, but these words are still meaningful and relevant to who I am and what I believe today.

I’m beginning to realize that so much of my faith has been wrapped up in my commitment to please people. So much so, that pleasing God and pleasing people were often one and the same, a blurry mixture I couldn’t discern between.

Deconstructing has been less about taking apart my faith (although, yes—lots of that has happened) and more about shedding the weight of my very human desire to fit in, be spiritually impressive, and an integral member of the most important team (helloooo, Pharisee ).

This past year has been a year of choosing …

Choosing to ask hard questions out loud,

over staying quiet for fear of reactions or being perceived as a threat.

Choosing to walk away from a church that felt unhealthy,

over my identity as someone who “never misses a Sunday morning.”

Choosing to rock a really big boat,

even though my visceral desire for peace (yep, I’m a 9) screamed at me to shut my mouth and let it go.

Choosing to point out contradictions and criticisms,

knowing the consequences will probably lose me my title as “Godly woman” or “spiritual leader” in the eyes of many, titles I once chased after as if they were awarded by God himself.

Choosing to care more about following Christ than Christendom, even if it is going to be lonelier.

But… surprise!! When Jesus said his burden is lighter, he wasn’t lying.

It really is.

Lighter than the burden of people pleasing,

Lighter than the burden of holding it all together,

Lighter than the burden of perfection,

Lighter than the burden of purity,

Lighter than the burden of certainty.

Lighter than the burden of gatekeeping and sin-monitoring.

His yoke is easy and his burden is light because His grace is it. His love is it. And I feel LIGHTER—a thousand pounds worth of doctrine, truth, dogma, law, rules lighter because I now really get it.

The yoke of “getting it right” will always feel like a chain around your neck.

I have received grace, REAL GRACE, for the first time and am free knowing it was all I ever actually needed.