ENTRY 1
This series was originally published on my socials in 2021. My beliefs and opinions have changed in some ways since then, but these words are still meaningful and relevant to who I am and what I believe today.
My kids clearly don’t care that I’m working through a faith crisis and have continued to need me to pay attention to them. I even tried to explain that I’m DECONSTRUCTING and it’s a whole thing and requires a lot of my time, but the stomach bug stops for no one.
So here’s where we’re at.
I’ve lost a lot of followers. This is neither surprising nor upsetting. I hold nothing against those who’ve opted out of hearing any of my thoughts. Who am I that they would want to listen to anything I think?
But also, I’ve gained a few (HI GUYS! So glad you're here!). I expect this reshuffling to be a trend for the next few weeks as I step fully into my newfound role of heretic, and instead of this people pleaser being depressed by this fact, I am actually feeling so free to say exactly what I want for the first time in a long time. Is this what it feels like to come out of the evangelical closet?
The questions I’m asking, patterns I’m seeing, and issues I’m raising aren't new for me (or many of you).
However, the cost of it—the cost of not, at the very least, verifying that this "truth" is actually true—seems to be rising. Not for me, but for those who have continually been told they don't belong, they aren't welcome, they don't deserve basic liberties, they are delusional, they are sinful and disgusting and broken.
I remember the classic High School Youth Group theology of, “If we’re wrong, nobody gets hurt. But if they’re wrong, they burn in hell for eternity.”
Just a few problems with that one that we’re going to ignore for now, but it seems to me, if we’re wrong about any of this, a whole hell of a lot of people are hurt.
Marriages are hurt.
Kids are hurt.
The LGBTQ community is hurt.
Our black friends are hurt.
Immigrants are hurt.
And that’s just the big ones.
There’s a lot of hurt to be accounted for at the hands of the conservative church.
One of the most depressing reasons for my not wanting to take the deep dive has been because I’ve LIKED being on the inside. I was scared of feeling like an outsider in the very community that raised me, quite literally, since birth.
I was afraid of getting pats on the head like, “Oh Jordan, she’s just a silly woman who is giving into the world’s teachings and isn’t standing firm for the bible.”
What the bible says? That's kind of the problem.
If you’re still here, if you’ve commented or messaged, THANK YOU. I cried a few fat tears last night because I finally feel part of a community that I am proud to claim and also don’t feel like a fraud participating in.
I probably need to find a therapist right now also ... but for now just know, you've helped me just in the very fact that I know I'm in good company.
Is this what freedom in Christ feels like? Hm. Maybe so.
